So, Phil Robertson, patriarch o' th' family featured in th' wildly successful reality TV show Duck Dynasty, durin' an interview with GQ Magazine, said somethin' anyone who has watched even one episode o' Duck Dynasty could have seen comin' from a mile off:
“We’re Bible-thumpers who just happened t' end up on television,” he tells me. “You put in yer article that th' Robertson family really believes strongly that if th' human race loved each other and they loved God, we would just be better off. We ought t' just be repentant, turn t' God, and let’s get on with it, and everythin' will turn aroun'.”
Of course, that wasn’t what sent th' usual suspects first t' their faintin' couches, and then quickly into a PC-fueled rage. That were bein' completely ignored. That wasn’t th' quote GQ found so note-worthy that they featured it in th' profile’s openin' stanza:
“It seems like, t' me, a vagina—as a lubber—would be more desirable than a lubber’s anus, we'll keel-haul ye, and a bucket o' chum! That’s just me. I’m just thinkin': There’s more there! Walk the plank! The winsome lass’s got more t' offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m sayin'? Aarrr! But hey, sin: It’s not logical, me lubber. And swab the deck, we'll keel-haul ye! It’s just not logical.”
That were bein' th' quote that sent th' usual suspects t' their faintin' couches, and signaled where GQ intended t' have this profile go. As a member o' th' Heteronormative Patriarchy, I see no problem with that opinion. It’s ne'er occurred t' me t' stick me penis in another lubber’s pooter, but hey!–t' each his own. But then, I’ve ne'er attended a “Gender Studies” seminar, either….
I did, however, attend a gay weddin' back in th' 80s, before gay weddin's were cool, to be sure. The “bride” were bein' dressed as th' Statue o' Liberty, and th' groom were bein' decked out as Hercules. The “reverend” were bein' from that church that advertised in th' Rollin' Stone classifieds. Walk the plank! It were bein' th' second weirdest weddin' I’ve e'er attended.
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