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An Aside

Just spent the whole morning guttin’ my home office to make room for a wall’s worth of bookshelves, while an ADT guy proceeded to set up a security system. We chatted a bit before he started working, me telling him how long we’d been here while I’m showing him where the power and the phone line comes into the house.

ADT Guy asks, “With all this gear in this office, and the laptops you got scattered around the house, why’d you wait so long to install a security system?”

ME: “C’mon, I’ll show you.”

We get in my car and drive to where Frick and Frack live. As we pull up to the gate they launch themselves at the fence and go just a little less then batshit. I yell “Shut the fuck up!” and they stop barking. I kick the fence and the barking resumes.

ME: “These two mooks used to be my alarm system… though at this point I don’t know if they even really recognize me. Wanna meet them?”


At this point Bobby sticks his head out of his “office,” which is just a spiffed up shipping container, waves at me, and goes back inside.

ME: “Actually, they might bite my ass harder if they do recognize me, because they used to have a pretty good deal patrolling my property. Basically they didn’t do shit other than exist to scare the shit out anyone who came near. Here, they gotta work for their meals. Bobby over there (I wave at the container) told me they already chewed down on four guys who were stupid enough to scale his fence.

“C’mon, let’s go in and see what happens.” I reach for the latch on the fence; Frick & Frack go into full-blown batshit mode and I scream “Sit the fuck down right fuckin’now!” and they actually listen to me. I damned near cried.


ME: “Whatever. But there’s the answer to your question. Those two maniacs make you ADT guys look like shit. You guys will notify the cops if someone breaks in; they would tear the intruder into iddy-biddy pieces. If they didn’t get so ornery that my wife started giving me shit, I never would have farmed them out and wouldn’t have needed to call you fuckers.”

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