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Archive for "Jun 05 2008"

Memo from Lord Stanley:NOT YOURS, SIDNEY!

Regardless of the NHL’s marketing strategy: DETROIT FTW!

The Hockey Gods looked down from Mount “Sixteen Teams Was Pushing It” and slapped the little whelps upside the head, reminding them “yeah, the Oilers thought they were hot shit, too, until they ran into the Islanders.”

King of the Ring
one_smith03.jpg

Tough Guy Cred: Did nothing to dispel the notion that all goalies are batshit insane.

Wife™ is still confused over the triple overtime game and me screaming at the TV “will someone wearing red RUN ONE OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKING REFS!”

Last night she left the room halfway through the third period, telling me “just don’t kill the television, okay?” after I pointed out how many of the players looked like they were involved in a street fight, with cuts and bruises scattered among their faces, and said, “Someone’s getting their head tomahawked by the end of this shit.”

She’s new to hockey and still hasn’t grasped the nuance of it. During the endless regular season, after watching some guy skate off all bloodied from taking a stick to the face. She said, “God, I hope he’s alright” and I said, “Feh, he’ll get stitched up and maybe he misses two shifts, tops. If he doesn’t come back out he’s a complete punk.”

Wife™: “But he just got hit in the teeth; that’s crazy!”

“No, that’s hockey. You play till you’re dead… or so broke you can’t stand up. You have no business stepping on ice if you don’t realize your ass might get seriously fucked. That’s why I am getting sick of the zebras blowing whistles whenever some goddamn Golden Boy so much as gets leaned on. I still don’t understand why Mario hasn’t bitch-slapped this kid and told him to stop acting like a goddam mackeral, flopping all over the place.”

Wife™: “And you love this game? You love it better than the Yankees?”

“Honey, I played baseball and football; fuck baseball and football. I can take any decent hockey player and convert him into a baseball, football, whatever player. But it would be damn near impossible to do the reverse. You see a guy like Jeter all huffing and puffing after hitting a triple when he’s standing there on third. Hockey guys cover double that distance on almost every friggin’ shift. Just teaching him how to move on skates would take me two years. Compared to hockey players, every other pro player is a goddamn pussy. You have to be serious to walk out there when the other guys are carrying sticks they can club you with, and everyone can throw a puck at at least eighty five miles an hour if you give them time to set up. Guys playing third base, ‘the hot corner?’ They are considered the tough guys because they knock down ‘hot shots.’

“Believe me, they couldn’t handle the shit involved playing goalie. Screw the red light hanging over your ass; you’re playing to not get killed. Those other sports don’t have that driving their acts. You step on an ice hockey rink and don’t have “I’m gonna kill these pricks” as you’re aganda you are totally screwed.”

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