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Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer

S.I. TEEN ATTEMPTED JEWELRY-STORE XTORSHUN

A bone-headed Staten Island teen who can barely spell has been busted after trying to extort $10,000 from each of nine jewelry stores, authorities said yesterday.

The 15-year-old, whose name is being withheld, sent letters threatening to damage the stores and harm their owners’ families unless the cash – in unmarked 20s and 50s – were paid, the sources said.

“If Law Inforcement [sic] is notified or intervines [sic] . . . you can be sure that not just your store will be harmed but also yuor [sic] family,” the spelling-challenged youth wrote.

“If you wish that no damage or harm come to your store or family you will pay.”

He signed the letters, “Cosa Nostra.”

This is funny on a couple of levels: first, the obvious one, that the kid is an absolute idiot; a shining example of our edumacashun system in action.

The next level is his signature on these shakedown scribblings, because you can bet your bottom dollar that of those nine jewelery stores he targeted, there is at least one (probably more) whose owner “knows people” who have a real claim to that “Cosa Nostra” designation, and while the cops won’t release the kid’s name because of his age, they know his name, address, and frickin’ cell phone number by now, and HIS family is gonna be getting a “visit,” lickety-split.

UPDATE: The Retreat, once again, screws up a story in their own backyard.

What does this “reportage” tell us?

He’s from Sunnyside.
He attends South Richmond (WTF?), is enrolled in Special Ed.
His Mom’s going through a divorce.
He lives on Dudley Avenue.

Christ, why not just draw a friggin’ map to the kid’s front door?

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