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It’s a Conspiricy

I’m typing after threatening to beat the bejeebus out of my next door neighbor, who is A) A Met fan, and B) Seemingly absolutely lacking in the base qualifications for citizenship. His wife (a total babe) tells me “I don’t know what to do with him” since the World Cup started. The son of a bitch just won’t shut up. If I hear “GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL” one more time I’m on my way to Rikers Island. And to top it, he’s a poofy kinda guy; the total “limp wrist, looks at the players’ asses” gaytard foray. Which immediately means I am in a world of shit, because there be Hippies in the swamps.

Me: He’s gay about this soccer shit, isn’t he?

Her: “That’s not what I said!”

Me (at the top of my lungs): “HE’S GAY ABOUT SOCCER! YOUR GIRLY HUSBAND IS A FUCKING SULLIVAN BUTTMONKEY?”

Her: “A Sulli–What? Don’t call Renny a gay man. He will get upset.”

ME: If I yell loud enough will that taco fuck step out, or–wait a minute, “Renny?” Oh please–“Renny? Why don’t you say “I’m gay till I die?” Does he leave the gaystick down long enough to do the dirty work? durka durka

Yeah, I know, straight to hell. WTF? I punched that ticket decades ago.

Her: You are a racist!

Me: See, you think I am clowning around. Do the math: three dogs and three shotguns. I win or I die. Consider me a fast moving zombie.”

Her: “what?” Suddenly I notice Wife™ standing beside me.

Wife: “You’re like, totally gone at this point, aren’t you?”

ME: When the hell was I “here”, and where the hell are my dogs?

Wife: “locked up in the basement, you idiot. And so are the goddamned guns.”

I look over to the neighbor, who is doing everything in her power to stop from laughing her ass off.

ME: You two set me up?

My Wife: And you walked right into it, you fucking idiot.

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