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Selig: “Investigate!”; Sheff: “Suck It!”

[tag]MLB[/tag] launches steroid probe

Bud Selig launched an investigation into baseball’s steroid history yesterday, vowing it would follow any trail, whether it leads to the 25th man on the worst team or his own office.

“Ooh,” says Sheff, “I’m scared, skippy!”

428-BACK_LARGE.jpg

“I’ve said what I have to say about it,” [tag]Sheffield[/tag] said. “I’m done with it. I’m totally done with it. … I don’t care what they do, to be honest with you.”

This is gonna be a massive circle jerk. [tag]Selig[/tag] names Mitchell to head the investigation, thinking it’ll keep Congress off his back…riiight. Like McCain ain’t gonna go nuts in front of the cameras and demand Palmeiro’s head on a platter for bullshitting a Congressional committee about being clean.

I’m with the guy who busted Charlie Hustle; this tin-lizzie train wreck [tag]steroids[/tag] probe “Used Car” Selig’s slapped together ain’t gonna be going to far out of the parking lot,

Dowd said Mitchell’s many ties to MLB rule out his ability to conduct an objective investigation. Mitchell is a part-owner of the Boston Red Sox and chairman of Walt Disney Co., the parent of ESPN, a national broadcast partner with baseball. He is a former director of the Florida Marlins and helped write a report on baseball economics in 1999 that the Players’ Association and other critics said was one-sided and slanted toward the owners.

He’s totally conflicted, and even worse, he has no subpeona power; there is nothing he can do to force anyone to actually talk to him or his three amigos–two of whom work for Major League Baseball president Bob DuPuy’s old law firm, Foley & Lardner–as King Rhoid [tag]Bonds[/tag] has already made abundantly clear. The players’ union says “shut up” and they all just lawyer up… and the investigation is fucked.

This is about trying to save face with MLB’s advertising base (it’s too late to placate the fans…this shit should have been dealt with when the first bits of BALCO testimony leaked), who are running away from this mess and taking their wallets with them at the thought of being associated with a blatant cheat besting Babe’s and Hammerin’ Hank’s positions in the record book:

…several major-league advertisers have indicated they want no part of celebrating Bonds’ achievements. Bonds is approaching Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list and is 47 short of Hank Aaron’s career record of 755.

Who would want their brand associated with King Rhoid’s tainted run at these records?

“This is one of the biggest missed opportunities in baseball history from a marketing and promotional standpoint,” said Paul Swangard, managing director of the Warsaw Sports Marketing Center at the University of Oregon.

“You’re not going to see a bunch of companies come in to try to capitalize on that interest and excitement because they do not want to attach their brand equity to a tarnished brand right now, which is what Barry is.”

And LMB (Lame Motherfucker Bud) can’t do a damn thing to stop him.

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