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I Love Staten Island, But…

We got some real pieces of work that lurk out here: $15M suit for burns from java

A Staten Island woman who was badly burned after spilling scalding hot coffee on her lap is suing Dunkin’ Donuts for a cool $15 million.

Fifteen mill? What, did they pour the coffee on you straight out of the pot? Or are you a stripper or involved in some other occupation where a person’s thighs are intrinsic to their income? Fifteen million dollars? That’s nuts!

The coffee crisis happened Nov. 12 after Shea and a friend pulled out of a Forest Ave. Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through and headed to a strip mall across the street. When the pal tried to park, lids on two cups came off, causing 200-degree java to spill and soak through her jeans, her lawyer said.

Oh please. I know exactly where that Dunkin’ drive-thru is, and what kind of driveway cutouts and piece of road you crossed to get from the drive-thru window to the strip mall across the street. You’re gonna try to sell a jury that those lids didn’t flip until you entered the lot on the other side of Forest and pulled into a parking slot? No way. The ground physics don’t work. That car had to bounce at least twice before it got to “the scene of the crime.” Point A to Point B is not one flat, smooth ride over pristine asphalt…not even close.

Do you really think a Staten Island jury is going to fall for this, like those idiots out in New Mexico did when someone pulled this gambit on McDonald’s?

“In the McDonald’s case, I believe the woman removed the coffee cover before it spilled on her and she was found partially at fault,” said [Shea’s lawyer Jonathan] D’Agostino. “In our case, our client never even touched the cover.”

You’re gonna have to convince the jurors that her friend who was driving handled the tray without incident when receiving it from the drive-thru window–then passed it over to your client, and she just sat there…she didn’t take a sip of her latte (or whatever); didn’t place her hand on top of the cups to steady them as her friend put the vehicle in gear, stepped on the gas, and pulled away from the window; didn’t touch them as the car left Dunkin’s lot, crossed the usually busy Forest Avenue (which means her friend was accelerating) , then, she still just sat there, never laying a glove on those cups, as the vehicle entered the strip mall’s parking lot, and all of a sudden, as her friend slots the car into a parking spot “Pow!” the lids fly off? Gimme a break!

We’re talking she was sitting there with this tray loaded up with at least (going by the article’s wording) two cups of screaming hot liquid in her lap, and she never touched them? She just sat there, oblivious? If the coffee was so goddamn hot, why didn’t she put the tray down in the footwell until they got to the other side of the road? Hell, when I’m riding shotgun on a Burger King run I won’t even keep a couple of Cokes in my lap until we get where we’re going so they don’t end up all over me if the driver has to hit the brakes…is your client so bloody stupid she just that there, never once touching those cups, making sure the lids were snug, and for being that oblivious and lacking in common sense she deserves $15 mill?

You better have kissed the Blarney Stone, Jonny Dags, because if I could rip your case to shreds in a heartbeat, an actual lawyer could turn this around and make you and your client pay for wasting his and the court’s time filing this frivolous bullshit of a lawsuit. But I’ll bet you’re betting Dunkin’ Donuts will just cut a check to make you go away.

I hope they don’t. I’d like to see if a Staten Island jury is stupid enough to go along with this, because if they do, man o man! am I gonna set one mother of a scam in play, and get me some of that sweet, sweet corporate insurance payoff moola.

Now go view Stop the ACLU!

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