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Archive for "May 07 2005"

My Day is Made

I’m in the backyard, watching Bootzdog scare the bejeezus out of this Chicano guy I’m trying to convince to cut my front and back lawns for twenty, “no fucking way forty, Jose,” bucks. I’m hung over and bruised from, what Wife informed me this morning, going ballistic while at the local watering hole when Tino and A-Hole booted away last night’s game, and, in her words, “Tommy and Gumby pounded you right into the ground. Gumby even picked you up and kicked you back down.”

“What did you do?”
“Pulled off your glasses and laughed my ass off. Really, sometimes you are such a dick about this Yankee shit.”

Phone rings. Look at face plate and see “Quinnipiac Univ” as caller. Hand Taco the twenty and point at the other two dogs, going crazy in their pen at the back of the yard. “Don’t get near them. The fence won’t hold.”
I thumb the “talk” button.

Pollster: (begins reading script)

ME: Dude, stop. I got Caller ID and know what you want. Get to the questions.

Boilerplate stuff establishing my demographic niche. Oddly, I tell the truth. Pollster gets to the matter at hand:

Pollster: If the election for NYC mayor were held today, would you vote for Michael Bloomberg, Anthony Weiner,–
ME: Bloomberg. And any other question you ask with those clown-asses running against him, just mark it Bloomberg. If there’s a question about which of the Democrats I’d choose among that loony crew, mark down Virginia Fields.

Pollster: (stifles laugh) Are you aware of the controversy surrounding the construction of a football stadium on the West Side of Manhattan?

ME: Yeah. Check off “yes” on the stadium questions, “no” on the Olympic shit. Next?

I had the guy on the phone for twenty minutes, by the end he was just staggering to maintain his “I am serious” tone. I swear to God, or whoever the fuck is in charge, that phone call made my day.

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