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Hey, Vito!

I’m perusing the 2005 Congressional Pig Book, which Citizens Against Government Waste releases every year to highlight what they consider the bills burning the biggest bullshit bundles of tax dollars. I was interested in seeing if the local guy had performed well in sidling up to the federal trough and bringing some lip-smacking, tax-wasting bacon back home.


Bah! A lousy $405 thou for “The Soccer League in Staten Island” was the only thing featured in the introductory roundup. Chump change, considering Vito’s committee assignments, and his being a reliable Republican robot. That sounded like crumbs to be divvied up between the various packs of screaming brats. So I plugged “Staten Island” in the slot and searched the online version. I came up with a grand total of $1.909 mill beyond the dough going to the potential hooligans’ heroes.

One million is earmarked toward paying off the three new boats for the SI Ferry. With their total cost somewhere around forty times that amount, a piddly piece of pork. The rest was divvied up between five different expenditures, the bulk of which was destined for the South Shore. I live on the North, so none of that moola means shit to me. A useless little spit of sand called Crescent Beach is earmarked to get 250 grand to combat beach erosion. Oh, goody! The borough’s shitheel punks will have more room to get drunk and act like assholes.

Disgusted, but not surprised, I then went to see what the Fingerboard Fools were calling local news in today’s issue, and tumbled on to a story that drove me right over the wall:

Federal lawmakers voted $100,000 this year for the Punxsutawney Weather Discovery Center in Pennsylvania, where Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous of Groundhog Day’s shadow-gazers, is cosseted in a heated artificial burrow.

Fer cryin’ out loud, Vito! The mortal enemy of our local boy, Staten Island Chuck, wrangled himself a hundred grand? Like that friggin’ town needs it, with the cash they already rake in from that overblown vermin. Sure, Chuck blew it this year, but goddamn it! What friggin’ good are you if you let this kind of dissing go down?

Last time I just pulled the lever against you; next time I’m goddamn volunteering to write speeches and ring doorbells and actively campaigning every free hour I got to have your ass thrown back in the public sector–where, Dude, you ain’t fucking close to wielding juice like Sue (but I remember nights at the RoadHouse…)….

If you don’t start bringing home the long green, even if the Dems are running a monkey–or that loser Lavelle–I’ll make it a mission to bury you ass.

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