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Getting Retarded on ‘Rhoids III & IV

Well, the dolts in D.C. have competition for useless grandstanding:

BISMARCK, N.D. – The North Dakota Senate unanimously approved a resolution yesterday asking baseball commissioner Bud Selig to reinstate Roger Maris’ 61 home runs in 1961 as the major- league record.

Next, following a theme, the clowns on Capitol Hill are turning their sights to the NFL, which has bragged about their testing policy for years, a policy “60 Minutes” bitchslapped into a garbage can with their exposé of dirty Carolina Panthers. (It was after Canseco appeared on “60 Minutes” shilling his book that the clowns called MLB on the carpet.)

The Feds are also going to inquire about the anti-doping policies of the NBA, NHL, the NCAA, Major League Soccer and USA Track and Field.

The Lip thinks this is all tilting at windmills:

There is no perfect policy against steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. Not in baseball. Certainly not in track and field. Are you kidding? It wasn’t any international doping agency that caught Tim Montgomery. It was the BALCO investigation.

These Congressional hearings and inquiries about steroids in professional sports are the biggest waste of time and money going on right now, in front of a taxpayer’s eyes, that I can imagine. “Better living through chemistry” is ingrained in the brain these days. There’s a reason a pharmaceutical company like AstraZeneca spends hundreds of millions of bucks to promote just one of their drugs, Nexium. In today’s American culture, there are plenty of people willing to believe some pill or cream can improve the “quality” of their lives. Shit, look what’s been going on with the nation’s schoolkids. If Johnny tends to act up in class, shove Ritalin down his throat:

Let’s put the question bluntly: How has it come to pass that in fin-de-siècle America, where every child from preschool onward can recite the “anti-drug” catechism by heart, millions of middle- and upper-middle class children are being legally drugged with a substance so similar to cocaine that, as one journalist accurately summarized the science, “it takes a chemist to tell the difference”?

“You got heartburn? Don’t change your diet, dumbass! Swallow the purple pill!”

“Peter’s in ninth grade and thinks the world sucks? Send him to Prozac Nation! I swear, the sky is bluer there!”

Now, with that kind of mindset firmly inculcated in how people deal with any obstacle between themselves and whatever they consider a “quality” life, whether it be their own life or their child’s, how the fuck are you gonna get between the medicine cabinet and some jock who sees the wild money dumped on the table in front of elite athletes?

You ban Substances A, B and C, the kid just stokes on D, E, or F. You’ll never cut it out completely, because their isn’t a sports organization on the planet who can stay far enough ahead of the science. Stop wasting our time and dime with these asinine hearings and inquiries.

Take a pill and chill, Capitol Hill.

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