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Steinbrenner Hires Team of Psychiatrists to Prepare Yankees for First Trip to Fenway Park

The shrinks were hired for the Home Opener, you Yawkey yenta. We’re gonna hurl more shit–verbally and physically–on Day One than you guys could throw in a week.

Giambi is gonna spontaneously combust from the aural invective hurled at him that day, and then we’re gonna pelt his ashes with Duracells. With any luck, that clown Kevin Brown will be standing next to him and catch some collateral damage. (And Randy “Big Unit Asshole” Johnson will learn a valuable lesson.) By the time they make it to Fenway the following week, it’ll feel like a fucking reprieve.

Oh, a technical note: they didn’t “choke at the hands of the Red Sox.” They did it all on their own. That it was to your crew they were playing when they did it is the reason this is the “We’ll kill you all if you fuck this one up” season. We forgave them for choking against the D-Backs; against you guys there can be no forgiveness. Even Jeter knows that this season, there’s a bullseye painted on his back even when he’s playing at home. He lives in the city; he’s watched Yankee fans get ornery as hell while the Mets were becoming the new media darlings and we had to deal with RhoidBoy and that dumbass Johnson. We have no patience for anything except the utter annihilation of everything standing between the team and its next WS ring.

And really, all you Fenway clowns combined aren’t even in the same league when it comes to abusing opponents as Section 39 all by themselves. Christ, Stadium security decreed those psychos couldn’t be served any beer, period, years ago. They have their own gate so they won’t turn on the regular, normal (oh screw it, human) fans in the stands. Any six of them could take out everyone sitting on top of the Monster without even breaking a sweat…and then they’d start kicking each other’s ass out of boredom.

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