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Not Anytime Soon, Ollie

Oliver Willis:

A few weeks ago, when I was in a bit of a funk, I thought “you know, it’s quite possible we could have a civil war in this country”.

Yeah, it sometimes seems that the political polarization has gotten that bad, when you’re looking at it from the left side of the equation. Those evil BushHitler legions would do anything.

Well, relax, kid. It’ll never happen, because the lefties do not possess the munitions required to mount a serious threat, while the righties keep their weaponry cleaned, loaded, and strategically placed in their domiciles in the event some lowlife bastard tries to steal their stuff. So if the left tried to mount an “insurrection,” and do battle in an urban combat environment (like, say, my mixed class, mixed race neighborhood), it would be over quickly with a lot of “Off my lawn, you hippie fucks!” screamed in a couple of languages and some loud ‘bangs!’ resounding up and down the block, then we’d all go back inside to watching NASCAR, BET or Telemundo while waiting for the cops and their tedious paperwork, while our dogs gnawed on the vanquished’s bones. (And then we’d feed them hard, tasty biscuits to scrub the smell of patchouli off of their teeth and gums.)

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